— contains profanity. before you read, have a conversation with yourself to make sure you won’t be offended —

Walking down Main Street

See some guy I know, say hi

He-ey

Uhh hi

Awkward but it doesn’t matter

Keep walking

Go to Starbucks, order a tall cup of hot milk

with sugar and seasonings

and bullshit

Barista makes no comment because it’s everyone’s favorite drink

Walk out of Starbucks sipping my milk like nobody’s business

See the bucket

It’s just some random-ass bucket

I look at it expecting to see a human head inside

Don’t know why

See that it’s not a human head

It’s a vital intellectual experience, that’s what’s inside the bucket

I take it out, dip it in my cup of scalding hot sugar seasoned milk bullshit, and I devour it like a pig eating its stupid slop or whatever the hell pigs eat

Now I am the perfect human

I have all the skills necessary to succeed

I have the most optimal mindset to succeed

It’s all because of this bucket, that’s why I am perfect

Not because I spent my life gradually becoming the person I am today

It’s because of this amazing thing in this stupid bucket I just found

Fuck

The bucket was riveting,

Wondrous,

Fascinating,

Wondrous,

Inspiring,

Engaging,

Fascinating,

Qualified by amazing writers like me.

Because of what I found in this bucket I am hard working

I am a visionary

I am disciplined, diligent, dedicated, dangerous, daring

No wait not dangerous

When I ate that shit that I found in that bucket, my life goal became clear

It was then that I realized that I wanted to be the leader of the free world and that I wanted to invent the technology for humans to be able to perceive five dimensions

Ever since I found the bucket I have become more perfect than humanly possible

I have developed my mind, I have bloomed like a flower in PALO ALTO

The human brain can only perceive movement at a maximum of 60 frames per second, but obviously there are more than 60 moments in one second

This is proof that I have more great qualities than you or anyone else can humanly perceive

Now I will transition to what I have done as a result of that thing I ate from that goddamn bucket

I started my own business baking cupcakes and feeding them to the poor; the operation is based in Sierra Leone.

The cupcakes are made out of entrepreneurship and the tears of my competitors

I believe that it is a win-win situation because my cupcakes will eventually cure Ebola (I have scientific evidence backing this up) and I will also make a profit

Everybody wins! Everyone!!

Speaking of entrepreneurship, I run ten software startups and I sell my companies to Google several times every year. I am a self-made millionaire

The technology I have singlehandedly developed has helped improve the literacy of trillions of illegal immigrants in America

Maybe I can improve your literacy too, you fucking moron

You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?

You find great amusement in my writing style because it reflects my bright, bubbly

Witty

Passionate

Understanding

But still lighthearted personality

I am probably the most attractive person in the world also

I was still perfect before I found the bucket, but as I said, I have just become superliminally, exponentially more perfect.

But I wouldn’t be where I am today without that fucking bucket

The day after I found the bucket; I’m walking down Main Street again

Say hi to that one guy

Hey

HEY!!!

Smooth

Go to Starbucks, order my coffee black because I’m fucking sophisticated

I don’t drink it, splash it in the barista’s face for his crimes against humanity

For serving that bullshit milk shit fucking sugar seasoned poppycock

I didn’t do it because I’m a bad person, I did it because it was what the world needed

I have an absolute knowledge of the world’s needs.

I have reached a higher level of consciousness

Because of the bucket